signing off

What to say...

One last morning in a cafe in DUMBO, one last cigarette outside the loft (Kar: I know, I know... I said that I had quit... I'm an asshole), one last lunch and one last subway ride.

I can't even begin to express how amazingly wonderful and cathartic this experience has been. This trip has been such a long time coming; it has given me a new perspective, allowed me to know myself better, and given me a better understanding of where I am going and what I want from my life. When I get back to Vancouver, I am going to make an earnest effort to pay of my debt. This is my goal for the year. My student loans are this overbearing monkey on my back, and while I have shrugged them off in the past, I want them gone. It seems overwhelming, but I am sure that if I put my mind to it, I can do it.

Other things:
- I am going to live in New York again, for longer than three weeks.
-I have known for a long time that I didn't belong in Vancouver, and this trip has been a solid affirmation of that; I love Vancouver, and it will always be my home... I guess that I feel about it like it's my 'parent's house' of the world. It gives me great comfort to be in Vancouver, and I know it so well, but I don't want to live there forever.
- Anything is possible in your life if you just make it happen.

*sigh*

Thoughts on New York:
My own impression is that New York is not as glamourous as it is often made out to be on film; New York is dirty and gritty and it's a struggle, people do not always go out in fancy dresses for endless parties; I think that people here do casual fashion better than in Vancouver, but I also feet far more comfortable getting really dressed up for no reason at all when I'm in Vancouver... though maybe that's also the season, as it's tough to dress up when it's 35 degrees outside.
Everyone here is working towards something; people go hard, in their social lives and in their work lives - this is what I find amazing and why I have always found myself drawn to larger cities. I think that if you are the kind of person who gets lost, that New York would swallow you whole... but if you are the kind of person who is inspired by the drive and success of others, and who thrives the most when you are challenged, then there is nothing better than being in a city where laziness will kill you.

disclaimer: I feel like this post is a little wishy washy and all over the place... but my thoughts are scattered at the moment, and I'm feeling very reflective blah blah blah.

Other thoughts: I wish that I had been more bold in the beginning of my trip with people that I wanted to hang out with, one person in particular. I would have liked to get to know him better, and it makes me a little sad that we only really had these last three days. That being said, I have a renewed faith that the possibility is out there that I will one day find someone to date again... and that's pretty great.

I have not taken anywhere near as many photos as I would have liked on this trip... I mean, I have taken a lot of photos of inanimate objects, but not enough of people. I hate flashes, and when you socialize largely at night, that's all you've got.

Blah blah blah.

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Yesterday I spent most of the day walking around and just taking in the city. I did not go on the Staten Island ferry to see the statue of liberty. Try as I might, I just can't get into 'seeing the sights', even if maybe I should. I went and hung out in the BBP and read, but eventually just went home to nap. It was just too hot out. There isn't a lot that you can do when it's 35 degrees outside.

It was a Monday night, and most people were busy and in the end there was no big New York party send off. I went and had a drink at the Jay Street bar and read and wrote and some guy who reminded me strangely of my brother Michael talked to me about his plan to make it rich.
Jenner came and met me when he was done work, and I was happy to have him rescue me from a tedious conversation of small talk. And also just that he was there. At 7, Codrin's friend Lisa came by and I was so glad to get to meet her even though it was at the last minute. She was awesome, and I have no doubt that if we had met closer to the beginning of my trip that we would have become awesome fast friends. The three of us sat and talked and had some drinks, and around 9:30, Jenner and I went home.
We thought about meeting up with Rian and Caspar for a beer when they got back from babysitting, but in the end, everyone was exhausted and it was nice just to snuggle on the couch.
This morning, I said some goodbyes, and am writing cards and packing and tying up loose ends.
At 12:30, I'm meeting Jenner for lunch, then back to the loft to grab my stuff, drop of the keys at Caspar's workspace, then off to Newark.
I REALLY HOPE that I can keep it together and NOT CRY AT LUNCH.

Final thoughts:

This will be my last entry for Broke New York.
In the end, my trip wasn't all that broke. I could have eaten in more exciting restaurants, bought more clothes, and seen more sights, but somehow, those things are fairly inconsequential. I've had the chance over the past few weeks to see amazing art, meet some incredibly lovely and truly wonderful people and really reflect on my life.
I love this city, and it is now a part of me, and it will always have a very dear place in my heart.

On that note, this is it. Tonight, I will walk through the doors of my apartment and fall into my own bed and snuggle with Rosemary and Thomas. On Wednesday I will see friends, and eat sushi and ride my bike, and reacquaint myself with the streets of Vancouver. And on Thursday I return to temporary work at the RTDO at Children's Hospital.
Thanks for reading, and see you all soon.

<3 <3 <3

Altaira Northe